Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
This will never not be funny to me.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*