If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
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Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.