The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
2022 will be better than 2021
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that