Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
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There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor