[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
wishing you and yours all the best
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.