I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”