I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.