My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
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I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church