Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
You Might Also Like
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.