my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?