I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
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[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Worst bar ever.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation