I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
My dream job is getting paid to dream
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.