Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.