when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
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Seems a bit forward
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending