I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My guardian angel deserves a raise
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…