HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Day 2 of my diet
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?