*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
*controversially pours a glass of milk*