A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I think I’ll stand
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?