6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
You Might Also Like
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”