So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Sorry not sorry.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”