If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
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One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Beware…..
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long鈥檚 it been?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he鈥檚 made of money?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A鈥 friend
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Salesperson: Hi ma鈥檃m can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.