Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
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Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.