I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
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i’m still crying at this
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no