Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
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How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Life is a suicide mission.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.