me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”