No, he would not have.
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy