Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.