You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
You Might Also Like
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
“no gods no masters” = leo
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?