turtles are just lizards who work in construction
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.