Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
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Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”