It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
the icebreaker
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I’m listening
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening