Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!