Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.