[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
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mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I think they鈥檝e made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they鈥檝e made actual pandas
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we鈥檙e a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
when someone compliments me
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.