no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
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[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute