Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
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The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My favorite farside!!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My blood type is b hungry.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”