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My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
#math
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My work here is done
can’t believe I got front row seats
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded