*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
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I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*