How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit