“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.