I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???