My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
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[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”