Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.