Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
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When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.