Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun