It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
where the womens at?
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.