40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
You Might Also Like
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
There is no “we” in pizza
The news is so predictable nowadays
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.