everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.