Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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O Wise One….
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy