I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
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“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately