Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Yes
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL